Home Is Where Your Issues Live

Welcome home to me.  A week ago I left the house on a wonderful trip to Greece.  I cried the entire night before and the entire trip there.  Mr S and I have realized neither of us is happy and we are stuck in a relationship that neither of us hoped for.  We are roommates in a lovely house with two wonderful children.  I don't think this is an uncommon realization, but it's one I never expected to find myself in.  On the arrival at the resort we agreed to "play nice and try".  We wanted to attempt to be happy, in love and respected by each other.  After all, all is fair in love and war.

As the week went on, things floated along.  My birthday, on the second night of our trip, was wonderful.  Mr S. arranged for flowers and cake to be sent to the room and we had a beautiful table for dinner- front row to the Crete sunset.  He also bought me a beautiful Cartier necklace- bigger and bolder than I usually wear, but it is the thought that counts- it's full of bling and fabulous. To me though the most important part was the card from the kids.  He actually made sure to buy a card specifically for me and bring it on holiday for the kids to decorate.  Adorable.

We made it a few days before the cracks seeped in.  The problem with having enormous issues is that you cannot ditch them.  No matter how hard you try and no matter how hard you run, the issues follow you.  The issue of the trip was alcohol.  I decided to have a few drinks- it was an issue of shocking magnitude.

One night, the 2 glasses I had went to my head.  The next morning he made a comment I took as snide.  I didn't talk to him for the whole morning.  Another night I had 3 drinks- he thought I should have stopped at 2.  He didn't talk to me for the morning.  I spent 2 nights with both kids in their bedroom, one night next to thing 1 and another on the couch.  That doesn't bode well for a 7 night holiday.

We are home now- issues well in tact and being highly avoided.  Couple counseling is on the horizon, but I am reluctant as to what it will really provide.  I'm not sure what can be fixed on the second go around of relationship tune up.  We aren't a car and I'm not sure a MOT will be sufficient.

I start 4 times weekly hot yoga on Tuesday so wish me sweaty luck for that. I'm ready to OM my way into some clarity and understanding.  I didn't realize when I started this year of self discovery that some of it would be quite so hard.

Hopes for a wonderful week.  xx



Comments

  1. Really sorry to read all of this. You are going thru a lot of rapid changes...in yourself, your outlook, and making discoveries of all kinds. I often think scarlett o'hara was really on to something and that 'deciding to think about something later' (like a month, two months from now...whatever) isn,t a bad idea. In the meantime, put it all 'on a shelf': no dwelling and no decisions.

    I do have a (rhetorical) question. Don't expect you to answer here and hope not to give offense. But I have to wonder: why are you willing to spend time and treasure on your own counseling, but it's not something that sounds worthwhile to do for your marriage?

    I wish you the best as you navigate difficult times.

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  2. It's such a fine line navigating the exploration to the "perfect" relationship.
    There is no perfection, only respect, trust and compromise. As a massive perfectionist I think I have destroyed much of my past relationships by being continuously unsatisfied.

    I truly believe for my type of personality and many others, alcohol really fucks us up. When drinking regularly, we can say drink nothing for a week and then a little, but it isn't until we totally give up the crutch that we have to finally face ourselves.

    I used to yearn to be like to be like the many other easily satisfied wives and mothers I know, but now I am increasingly glad to be just me. It has helped me achieve so much and be a better mother and person.

    (I perhaps went off tangent - much love to you Mrs S)
    Michelle xxx

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