Posts

Killing It or Killing Myself?

My birthday is less than a month away and it coincides with a family trip to Greece.  I think an average person would think, "How relaxing and wonderful to celebrate in the sun".  I am not a normal person though.  I am a woman desperately trying to come to terms with who I am and figure out my beliefs and my self.  My brain instantly thought, "Eek.  Bikini.  Eek.  Gym.  Diet.  Torture, starve, perfection, perfection, perfection."  But for what?

I devised a 30 day plan a couple of nights ago.  It looked something like protein shake, salad, chicken, salad and water only for 30 days.  Then it stated that I was going to do a total of 100 miles of running in the 30 days.  100 pushups a day, 100 squats a day, 100 slow deaths a day till I looked like a supermodel (but probably an angry bitch because life would suck for 30 days).  Cue the theme song to Rocky followed by Killing me Softly by the Fugees.

In years past I have followed this sort of torture regime.  I have sta…

Your Past Is Calling

"When the past calls, let it go to voicemail.  Believe me, it has nothing new to say" - Unknown
I love this quote and have always looked at it as being truthful and to the point.  I believed that there was no reason to dredge up the past- nothing about an instance has changed since it happened, so why relive it over and over.  I am an over analyzer.  I can pick a moment in my existence and tear apart every second of the moment until it no longer resembles the actual time.  I jumble up my current emotions and beliefs and tend to let these things spin the memory.  For these 2 reasons, along with others, I have always deemed it best to let voicemail pick up any call of my past.  Why should I deal with my issues when I can shove them down with food or drinks or obsessions with other things?  
But, as all phones do, my internal mailbox is now full.  Too many memories are clogging it up and I have to start to sift through them.  This is resulting in tumultuous sleep and really st…

Red Light Special on Aisle 4

I had to run to the store tonight for yoghurt for the kids.  Im big on healthy eating so when my daughter asked for ice cream I offered up yoghurt only to find we didn't have any.  Seems like an innocuous task no?
I noticed someone noticing me as I walked in.  Its always nice to be noticed, but when dressed in sweaty yoga clothes from 5 hours before with no shower or makeup and not sure Im smelling fresh let alone nice, it was a bit strange.  I them noticed the same dude follow me to the next aisle, and then a few minutes later he appeared in line behind me.  Flattering, yes, but for me it hit a nerve.  With the recent memories flooding back of my teen years I have been bombarded with scenes of myself urging on advances from men.  I have been haunted by the number of people I falsely led on to see if I could gain their interest.  I was a serial tease.  
Ive realized that from a very early age I needed, craved, and strived for attention.  I flirted my way into acceptance.  I was a…

Tears of Release

I have been looking at myself these past couple of weeks and trying to figure out where the real me is.  I have spent years morphing, altering, pretending, becoming what I thought I needed to be or what I knew others wanted me to be.  I spent years becoming the me I didn't know.  I took on titles and personalities like armor.  I practiced every smile, voice change and laugh in the mirror until it was the perfect image that I wanted to project.  My outsides reflected the shell of who I wanted the world to think I was but in that I hid who I really am.  I "became" an optimist, a wife, a mother, a yogi, a gym rat, a bubbly easy going perfectionist, a indie pop lover.  I stopped wearing certain things and doing my hair and makeup to please others based on their reactions of how I looked rather than how it made me feel.  Looking at it now, I played dress up and became an actress in my life.  The problem with acting is that once the cracks begin to appear, it is nearly impossi…

Feeling Bright - A Redo

I started this post a couple of days ago.  It read:
"Its amazing what a day can do.  Ive been looking into sitting in my emotions.  I have no idea of how to embrace my thoughts and emotions.  I don't know what it is to fester in my own discomfort.  I haven't learned what it is to process a thought (good, bad or other) without pushing it down with food, negative self hatred, or alcohol.  But today I tried.
Today I looked at some of the emotions that swarmed through my body.  This morning I sat in a dead panic that I couldn't find my engagement ring.  I was terrified because it wasn't in its normal place, but I couldn't remember why.  I felt prickly on the back of my neck as I tore the dresser apart, but for my life I couldn't remember where I took it off last night.  It was an irrational few minutes.  But why should I panic over something silly? I knew the ring was in the house, I just had to remember where.  I realized I wasn't afraid of losing the rin…

Raising a Glass to Me

I've spent the last couple of years in a steady state of decline.  My life on paper has continued to improve with a new house, growing healthy children, an adorable puppy, and a husband who wants nothing more than to love us all.  I have parents who love me and overall, I should have nothing to complain about.  But inside, I have been beating myself up.  I have lost who I am and its taken a toll on my self-esteem. I once had a career.  I was looked at as being intelligent, in control and on top of it.  I was bubbly, flirty, and friendly.  But somewhere between getting married, moving continent, moving towns in the new location, having kids and giving up working I forgot who that girl was.  The woman I have become isn't one I recognize and I can't actually say I like who I have become.

A few months ago I started a blog about giving up alcohol which ultimately failed when I made it public to my family and then started to self censor my posts.  I was looking for a community …